Unknown USB Device (Link in Compliance Mode)

Device manager is giving me the title. Four of them. Arduino IDE sees the Teensy 3.6 and I can upload a sketch and look at the serial monitor/plotter just fine but every other aspect of windows hates this thing. If I clear the four separate "Unknown USB Device (Link in Compliance Mode)" entries in device manager and plug it back in(directly to the tower, 2.0 ports, 3.0 ports, PCI usb expansion, external hub, different cable, doesn't matter) it plays the usb connected sound, then both the disconnected sound and reconnected sound twice, populates device manager with the offending error twice, does this whole thing one more time for a total of four before stopping. Like clockwork. You could set your watch to this rhythm. Of course the bad part of all this is that it doesn't actually work anywhere outside of the IDE. In Game Controllers > [whatever the teensy is named] > properties, none of the axes or buttons show up in the test tab. It contains the short block of text and it's blank underneath. Just white space. In the IDE I'll set tools > usb type to anything with a joystick because that's what I'm making and it's all the same. Take the teensy out of the breadboard and it's the same. Change the code to nothing and it's all the same.

I took it to my father's computer and it shows up just fine. So I reinstalled windows and it shows up just fine. No issues with disconnecting, nothing out of the ordinary in device manager, all axes and buttons appear in the test tab of the properties in windows. So I continue editing the code, upload some changes and hey what do you know the problem is back. Reinstall windows again, it's fine, edit code, upload and it's back again.

Help. Please.

Here's the code, not that it matters. It's bad by the way, horribly laggy. I won't be keeping most of it.

Update for any future person with this problem:

I now edit the code on my old laptop running Linux. This is the only way to protect my Windows drivers.

Dear future person experiencing this issue:

After a week of troubleshooting and suddenly experiencing more devices dying, I discovered that Windows updates ruined my USB drivers. Solution: donwload Rufus and use it to download an older windows image. If the teensy works just fine in Linux on the same machine (boot a live USB to check) then it's fine and windows is your problem.